Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Grandma left this earth about nine years ago while I was serving a mission. I still have a vivid picture seared in my mind of her frantically trying to scurry me along at the M.T.C. She was the only one there to drop me off. She had been my roommate for the months leading up to that departing. Letting me stay at her house while I commuted to college. Waiting up for me every night to hear the latest on my life. I'll forever cherish that time.
She had on a nice house dress, and her classic pinkish peach lipstick. Always classy, but always ready in a jiffy. We had sung "Called to Serve" and gone through the whole presentation with the classic "some say they don't like the food here, but what you eat here will definitely be better than where you're going" talk and everything else. She was almost pacing in place, nervously. Had her hand on her mouth, pursing her lips tightly to try and hide the tears coming. She always did that. Always tried to hide her tears. She said something about how I had better get on my way, almost immediately after the presentation was over.
So I was one of the first missionaries up and out to the door, excited and ready for my venture! But before I went through it, I looked back once more. And there she was. Ever stoic Grandma. Widowed at 30 Grandma. Never complaining, steadfast and immovable, ever serving, ever giving, utterly selfless, Grandma. Peering through the hallway to still watch me, secretly, from a distance. The tears flowing freely from her now, wiping quickly when she saw me looking.
Made me start to cry. Really cry. And then almost because she couldn't bare it, and didn't want us to linger together in sadness, didn't want to disrupt the focus and work ahead of me, she left. Disappearing around the corner.
I didn't know that goodbye was my last one with her. And even thinking about it now makes the very cry return. And I think of how even after all these years, it's still hard to not have her in my life.
How am I doin grandma?
How about these kiddos?!
How is it with Grandpa?
...I miss you....
It's hard to turn the corner. Hard to let someone disappear for now as you walk through the other doors ahead in life.
Hard to not have my grandma here.
But I know she would say that's nonsense and tell me to just keep on. To keep hope. To look to heaven.
So, I will.
"...Tis not the end but genesis
Of better worlds and greater lightGod, touch Thou my aching heart
And calm my troubled, haunting fears
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.
There is no death, but only change
With recompense for vict'ry won
The gift of Him who loved all men
The Son of God, the Holy One.. "
I love you Grandma.