Monday, December 3, 2007

Two years and yet it feels like Forever...it probably has been.





My heart is so full. Right now I don't know whether to burst into tears or race upstairs to wake up my beautiful little girl and just hold her. You know those moments where you really feel heavenly feelings. Like something different than what a mere mortal can experience. A little reminder that this life is not the beginning or the end. For the past few days I have been reliving my precious daughters life through pictures and journals..contemplating the last 2 years that she has been on earth with us. Surely it has been longer than that! What a gift Father has given me. I feel so humbled to even think of it...I am her Mother.

One night of her life I am particularly grateful for. She was just a few weeks old. For some reason I awoke startled and looked over at her in her bassinet... she seemed to be holding her breath. I shook her and she immediately began taking deep breaths. I just held her and sobbed. What if I hadn't woken up? Had she stopped breathing? Thank you Father...Thank you. Even before this night I had been feeling so consumed by the fact that she could be taken from me that I couldn't sleep for fear of what I might awake to (In large part because of some experiences with SIDS and working in Labor and Delivery). I was exhausted as I lay awake looking at her. Watching her little breaths and crying...thinking of how I could not bear life without this new life that had instantly seemed a part of my very being. I begged, pleaded with Father that he protect her. I felt a compelling feeling that I had to turn her over to Him and trust Him. Not only that He would not let her go from me, but that even if He did, I must still trust Him.

I don't know how, but that night I did completely trust Him. Maybe it's because I was so grateful to have woken up. Maybe it's because I felt for a moment how fragile this life is and how soon one and each of us will leave it. But I knew that He was going to make sure life happened for me and my family when it was supposed to.

So that little gal just turned two a few days ago... and tonight I spent close to an hour- laying on her bed with her as she kept asking me to "sing one more song" "sing next song Momma". How could I resist. I would've sang all night to her if she wanted.

This is but an earlier heaven isn't it... and I don't want to miss one day with her.

I love you sweet Addy. Thanks for coming to our family. May we have many years ahead to enjoy and learn from you.

Thank you Father. Thank you.

13 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh Sara, you have such a way with words! I was so touched reading this and truly felt of your deep love for your babies! They are a gift, aren't they?! Your girls are so lucky to have you as a mother.

Brianne and Jarod Stewart said...

Great blog Sara... I really love when you share such personal stories with us! I am always touched by you, and find myself feeling that much more thankful to be a mother... Our children are the best gifts God has given us.

Timmerman Family said...

Hurray for two year old! You look wonderful too.

Rachel Hansen said...

Sara,
You have such a gift. Your writing, your expressions - what a talent!
Keep up this wonderful blog. I love hearing about you and your growing family.

Lakes are Great said...

happy late birthday my favorite little addy...we miss you guys so much. i would cry too if i were addy matt is so silly!! i'm going to have to tell him that for sure. we might be moving to texas for the summer actually, we find out in january if we go to texas or carolina.

Sally said...

We love you, sweet Addy! They can't come any sweeter than her, can they Sara? Well, maybe Mora is a tie. I love love love your girls and are so glad we're together on this Texas adventure! Of course it'd be nice if none of us were sick!

RaeLynn said...

It's hard to believe that we both have toddlers Sara! That was such a sweet post. (But I can't imagine how scared you must have been that night when you awoke to her not breathing). We really do have so much to learn. what a blessing that we get to learn from our own children.

val said...

I'm glad I scrolled down on your blog. I check all the time but I saw your slide show and I didn't know you had posted new stuff below! Great post about your big two year old! Wow. She is such a cutie and I'm sure is so sweet.

Tweety, JimBo, and Teen Wolf said...

Wow Sara, that story broke my heart! Mostly because I can relate so well, the watching my baby sleep, but exhaustion not being able to take over because of my worrying for her. And then how scary that must have been!! I don't think anyone can truly understand how scary that would be unless they have felt the love like a mother/father feels for their child!!! Happy Bday Addie, you were a beautiful baby girl, and are growing into a beautiful toddler everyday!!

Randall Family said...

That was so beautiful. If everyone could have a heart as big as yours. I can't believe she is two! How time flies!

Tara, Doug, and Isaac said...

Hey, I found you! We worked at the MTC together and I loved you.
Tara Bowen

Kelly N. said...

Sara,
I love this entry. I love the feeling I get when I look at my children when they are sleeping. I can't believe that they grow up so fast. I just want to keep them little and safe forever!

Amanda said...

When I first read the title to this post, Kallie and I were having one of those days where it really DID feel like forever...and not in a good way. :) What a beautiful tribute to your sweet daughter.